Finding a great gift for others is a challenging task.  This year, as every year before, millions of dollars will be spent on festive presents that recipients value little or maybe not at all.  That’s a huge loss of value to both giver and recipient.  Economists even have a term for this: the “deadweight loss of Christmas”.

Parents tend to be pretty good at choosing the ‘right’ gifts for their young children.  As children become teenagers or when buying presents for other adults, our success rate in finding that perfect gift goes down.   The chance of buying an under-appreciated gift is even higher when buying presents for people we don't know very well, or feel obligated to buy for.

So how can you give that perfect present this Festive Season?

The idealist’s answer is to really think about the other person’s loves, passions, hobbies and preferences and then to give something very personal and fitting.  Spending that time will reduce the likelihood of getting it wrong, but not eliminate it entirely.  It is high reward, but also high risk and can be time intensive.

The economist’s solution is pragmatic: give cash or gift cards.  This ensures that the recipient can choose exactly what they would like for Christmas.  This approach would ensure maximum value creation but lacks the spirit of the festive season.  Gift giving is so much more than just an economic exchange.  It’s the thought that counts, the effort, the emotional value and the exchange and reciprocity that truly signals the esteem we hold for each other.

Professional negotiators thrive on creating value, so even during the festive season, you can put your negotiation mindset to good use.

Last year, I decided to combine the two approaches above and created a game of ‘Lucky Santa’ for the family.  I created a series of vouchers for experiences that members of the family might enjoy – everything from hot-air ballooning and day spa visits to rock-climbing in the Blue Mountains and diving with sharks at the Aquarium.  I added a few joke presents for good measure and then tapped into the fun of beer-pong to create a game of luck and strategy.

Luck and some strategy allowed everyone to win and exchange gifts with each other, so that at the end of the ‘Lucky Santa’ game, everyone received a gift they really loved.  Interestingly, two of our three teenagers chose experiences we had not expected to be their top picks.  It was fascinating and an hour of great fun.

If you are an alumnus of Negotiation Partners and can tell me which animal should never be fed when negotiating, I’m happy to send you a copy of Santa’s secret instructions you can then adapt for your family (Yes please!).

And if ‘Lucky Santa’ is not suitable in your setting, at least make sure you explore.  “What are some of the things you’d love to do next year…?” is a better question than just “What do you want for a present?”  Likewise, when others ask what you might like, don't leave them guessing.  “I don’t know, darling, surprise me…” is unlikely to get you what you really want.

Whether you would love a fancy new coffee machine, the tranquillity of a yoga retreat, the adrenaline of a bungee jump, or to see Lohengrin at the opera, the chances of your partner ‘guessing’ correctly can be greatly enhanced by telling them.

Clear is kind — unclear is unkind.  Let’s be kind to each other this Festive Season.

Building and nurturing long-term relationships requires that we give of ourselves, share information and invest in truly understanding the other side’s needs, desires and concerns.  Offering choices and working to create superior outcomes are powerful ways to build relationships and maximising value for both sides.

I hope that you and those you hold dear will be able to celebrate together, sharing the joy of the season and a happy and healthy New Year.